You don’t control as much as you think you do

TL;DR: You don’t control as much as you think you do. Life is a mosaic of chaos, circumstance, and illusion. Yet, within this truth lies profound freedom: when you stop gripping for control, you can finally focus on what truly matters — your response.

Quick Contrarian Nugget

What if I told you that trying to control everything in your life is the quickest path to losing control entirely?

The Illusion of Control

What if everything you think you’re controlling is just a delusion? The plans you meticulously make, the routines you obsess over, the outcomes you so desperately want to influence — what if none of them are truly within your grasp?

This isn’t nihilism; it’s reality.

From the moment you woke up this morning, how much of what has happened today did you truly control?

Did you choose the weather? The mood of your partner? The dozens of micro-decisions made by every driver you passed on your commute?

Control, as we perceive it, is more fragile than we’d like to admit. And yet, most of us live as if the opposite were true — as if life bends neatly to the force of our will.

Let’s break this down.

1. The Chaos of Circumstance

Consider how much of your life has been shaped by forces outside your command:

• Where you were born. Did you choose the country, the culture, the socioeconomic backdrop that molded your early years?

• Your biology. Did you pick your genetics, your health predispositions, or even your height?

• Historical timing. If you were born 50 years earlier or later, your opportunities, challenges, and worldview would look nothing like they do today.

Now think about smaller, everyday examples:

• You can prepare a flawless pitch at work, but the decision-maker’s mood, biases, or email inbox clutter could derail your efforts.

• You might plan the perfect family vacation, only for a delayed flight or surprise illness to unravel it.

The list is endless because life is inherently chaotic. The idea that we can fully master it is a comforting lie — a story we tell ourselves to feel safer in a storm.

2. The Myth of "If I Work Hard Enough"

Society loves to sell the illusion of control. It’s embedded in the phrase “work hard, and you’ll succeed.”

But let’s be honest here: effort doesn’t guarantee outcomes.

Ask any entrepreneur who poured their soul into a business that failed.

Ask a brilliant artist who struggled for decades before “making it,” if they ever did.

Why?

Because success is a cocktail of effort, luck, timing, and randomness. You can control the effort but not the other ingredients.

The same applies to personal relationships. You can love someone fiercely, do everything “right,” and still lose them to distance, circumstances, or their own demons.

Hard work is valuable no doubt. It builds resilience, character, and skill.

But let’s not pretend it’s an all-powerful wand that bends reality to our liking.

3. Why We Cling to Control

Control is seductive because it feeds our ego.

It says: “You are the architect of your destiny. Everything is in your hands.”

That’s a nice thought, isn’t it?

It gives us a sense of agency in an unpredictable world.

But when you cling too tightly to this belief, you set yourself up for unnecessary suffering.

Every failure feels personal. Every setback feels like proof that you’re inadequate.

The truth is much simpler and far less ego-friendly. You are not the center of the universe, and that’s okay.

Focus on What You Can Control

If you can’t control most outcomes, what can you control?

Your response. Your mindset. Your actions.

Let’s revisit the examples above:

• You don’t control the weather, but you do control whether you sulk about the rain or grab an umbrella and get on with your day.

• You can’t dictate the decision-maker’s mood at work, but you can show up prepared and poised, increasing the odds in your favor.

• You can’t prevent every disappointment in love, but you can choose to show up authentically and vulnerably in your relationships.

This isn’t about passivity. It’s about selective mastery.

Trying to control the uncontrollable is exhausting, but focusing on what you can influence is empowering.

The Freedom of Letting Go

When you stop grasping for control, something magical happens. You begin to experience life as it is, not as you wish it to be.

You stop swimming upstream and learn to float with the current.

True story. I used to obsess over the trajectory of my career. Every project had to be perfect; every decision had to guarantee success.

Guess what?

The more I tried to control everything, the more frustrated and burned out I became.

Then one day, I decided to let go.

I stopped micromanaging my fate and started focusing on what I could enjoy in the present moment — learning, experimenting, and connecting with people.

Ironically, that’s when things started falling into place.

Letting go isn’t giving up.

It’s choosing to live with less resistance and more grace.

Embrace the Paradox

When you accept how little control you have, you actually gain more.

Not more power, but more peace.

Not more certainty, but more clarity about what truly matters.

So, here’s your challenge:

• This week, identify one area where you’re gripping too tightly. Maybe it’s your career, your relationships, or even your health.

• Ask yourself: “What’s within my control here?” Focus only on that.

• Let go of the rest. Release the illusion that you can bend the entire situation to your will.

And let me know how it feels.

Did something shift for you?

Did you notice less tension, more energy, or maybe even a surprising new opportunity?

Life isn’t meant to be a chessboard where you control every move. It’s a dance, unpredictable and wild. Learn the rhythm, embrace the missteps, and trust the flow.

You don’t control as much as you think you do. But that’s exactly why you can live with more freedom than you ever imagined.

Honest Contrarian is a space for thinkers who dare to defy the ordinary, challenge conventional wisdom, and spark bold conversations to rethink deeply held beliefs.

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